Dear Beth-E: "Terrified of Turkey Day with a Dad who can be a Turkey"

Re: Dealing with THAT family member during the holidays
Since the holidays are rapidly approaching, my anxiety about spending time with my father increases. Despite my love for him, he is the one person that I prefer to avoid. He completely stresses me out!!! Usually, after spending a few days around him, we end up in an argument, which causes stress to the entire family. I usually end up saying something not so nice to him, which I always regret later. He is very controlling, talks constantly, is very opinionated and critical, is quick to anger, tends to drink too much, etc. He is THAT family member. If it is not one thing, it is another. Nothing is ever right in his eyes and he always has something to complain about. If you have any advice on how to make it through the holidays with a happy and peaceful heart, I would love to hear it! God bless!

Dear "Terrified of Turkey Day with a Dad who can be a Turkey,"

I don't know if this makes you feel any better, but you are not alone.  I know there are many out there who are dreading seeing THAT family member in their very own family get-togethers.

THAT said, here's what I would do . . . first and foremost, prepare yourself!!  I would begin by praying daily about your upcoming holiday.  Ask God to give you a peace that passes all understanding (Philippians 4:7).  Then begin to read and meditate daily on Bible verses that help you with your anxiety and give you greater perspective on the upcoming event.  Here are just a few that might help:  Deut. 31:6, Psalm 27:1-3, Psalm 86:7, Proverbs 3:5-6, Isaiah 42:16, Matthew 6:19-34, 2 Corinthians 1:8b-9, 2 Corinthians 4:17-18, 2 Corinthians 12:9, Philippians 4:4-8, Hebrews 12:1-3, 1 Peter 5:6-7

Also consider and write down some of the ways your father has offended you in the past at these types of gatherings (you've briefly mentioned some here already).  Next, consider and write down how you would like to respond to him in those difficult moments.  
For example, if he tries to start an argument, silently pray asking for God's peace.  Then commit to asking your father questions for clarification rather than feeling you have to refute what he is saying.  In other words, determine ahead of time you will avoid arguing.  Arguments always have at least two participants, so you have the power to resist doing your part.  And asking questions helps the other party to feel you are still engaged with them without conveying that you agree.  In fact, asking questions very often defuses any anger or anxiety the other party feels which might have been the trigger for them to start an argument in the first place!

However, if your father keeps on trying to engage in an argument regardless of your questions, either try to change the subject or be bold and polite by saying, "I really don't want to argue with you, Dad.  I want to enjoy our time together, since it is so short."  Sometimes this won't work either with a tried and true "Boundary Buster." And if that is the case, simply walk into another room, if you can, and begin a conversation with someone else.  If you are in a car and cannot escape to another room, you could politely request a break from the conversation so that you can spend some time reading or listening to your I-pod. (Then don't forget to bring those items with you as part of your arsenal!)

Finally, some of your anxiety may be due to the frustration you feel over how you wish your father would act.  You may think, "if I could just say this one thing to him, he'll understand what he's doing wrong and change!"  Or you may think that his behavior says something about you, and so you are responsible for setting him straight.  It's important to realize you are not responsible for your father's bad choices and actions.  You are responsible for how you respond to him, but not for how he responds to you or what he thinks about you.  And most importantly, you cannot change your father.  You can influence your father with love, kindness, patience and mercy, but convicting your father of his bad behavior is a job for the Holy Spirit.  So the bottom line is to accept your father as he is, and pray for him that God would do a work in his heart.  Remember there is no man that is too lost for God to reach!

Have a Question for Dear Beth-E?

If you have a question that only a counselor can answer, then send it my way.  All you have to do is click on "comment" located at the bottom of this post, then write your question in the box that pops up.  When you are asked to "choose an identity," you can even choose "anonymous" and no one will ever have to know it was you--including me!  But others will truly benefit from your willingness to address an issue that probably many others struggle with as well.  And I will do my best to offer some helpful suggestions and/or answers to your dilemma.  So keep those questions coming readers!

How Proactive are You?

Answer the following questions by thinking about what your spouse or significant other person might say about you. Or, if you’re especially brave, ask that particular person to answer the questions in reference to you. (If you are having difficulty in one or more of your relationships you may not be as objective as you think. So in that case, you should definitely ask someone who knows you well to help you answer the questions.) Then total your score to find the range you fall into located below the inventory.

  2 - true          1 - sometimes true          0 - not true

Others would say of me that . . .
  1. I regularly seek out the counsel of those who challenge
      me in every area of my life.
  2. I recognize that I am not always right or perfect and
      regularly admit this to others.
  3. After a failure or mistake, I try to learn from it in order
      to avoid the problem next time.
  4. I respect and am sensitive to the time constraints
      others have in their lives.
  5. I make a point to read my Bible and pray—connecting
      with God every day.
  6. I listen and consider the criticisms others have of me,
      even if it I don’t like or agree with it.
  7. I try to look at both perspectives in a conflict.
  8. I contribute and give back substantially to those with
      whom I rely or share financially.
  9. My life and relationships are, for the most part, in
      balance.
10. If I am working on a project, I give my best and
      commit to completing it.
11. I don’t give up easily—I try new approaches to my
      problems until I find a solution.
12. I don’t get discouraged or feel hopeless very often.
13. I am open about my feelings, but when I do so I try to
      be respectful.
14. I regularly seek and find support from friends who are
      growing in their faith.
15. I am consistent in my church and small group Bible
      study attendance.
16. I am committed to working hard on my relationships,
      as well as, resolving any conflicts that arise.
17. I try to focus more on how I can change myself than
      how to change others.
18. I do not wait on others to apologize before
      acknowledging my part.
19. I do not waste any time blaming others for the problems
      in my life.
20. When I feel angry I focus on the problem—not taking it
      out on the other person.

40 – 36
You are very proactive and do not face many relational, spiritual or emotional set-backs. You probably feel generally content with your life and do not see yourself as a victim in any circumstance you’re facing.
35 – 32
You are proactive in many circumstances, but you struggle at times. Your life probably has its challenges from time to time, but you generally bounce back.
31 – 28
You struggle to be proactive. You probably experience a certain amount of dissatisfaction in your life. You can’t put your finger on why because you seem to function fairly well in some areas of your life, but in other areas you really seem to struggle.
27 – Below
You are not proactive. You probably feel as if you are a victim of other’s bad attitudes and behaviors. You have noticed that others in your life do not see the hard work that you do, and this frustrates you. Your life is, for the most part, out of balance and you feel helpless to fix it.

You may be thinking, Okay, so how do I become proactive? If you look back at the answers to the inventory you will catch a glimpse. For further reading on the subject, check out the book, It's Not My Fault by John Townsend and Henry Cloud, and/or 9 Things You Simply Must Do by Henry Cloud.

Are You a Codependent?

1. ____  I feel a compulsion to do certain acts, think certain thoughts, or consume certain substances when I am stressed or depressed.

2. ____  I regularly feel frustration over not having my needs fully met by significant others in my life.

3. ____  I often find that I am defending myself on certain recurring issues with others.

4. ____  I find myself adjusting to other’s expectations rather than communicating my feelings.

5. ____  I easily go from 0 to 10 emotionally when something or someone really bothers me.

6. ____  I tell myself it shouldn’t hurt so much when others let me down.

7. ____  I battle with accepting my faults, limitations, and/or humanity.

8. ____  I have unresolved issues with one or more members of my family of origin that impact my relationship or feelings about them to this day.

9. ____  I sometimes depend too much on others or have great difficulty being alone.

10.____   I find myself having difficulty with people who remind me of someone from my family of origin that I have issues with.

11.____   I feel guilty saying “no” or setting boundaries with others.

12.____   I often find myself defending certain people in my life (especially members of my family of origin) because I am unwilling to see them as they really are.

13.____   I need everyone to be happy with me so that I can feel good about myself.

14.____   I believe that my spouse or significant other relationship(s) needs to complete me.

15.____   I feel like my maturity is arrested or underdeveloped 
              in certain areas of my life.

16.____   I regularly avoid vulnerability or reliance on others.

17.____   I often hope for specific circumstances to occur because I believe that they will make me feel complete or validated.

18.____   I find myself regularly intervening with others when I sense they are not able to handle a certain situation.

19.____   I have experienced a continual sense of discontentment in every circumstance I have faced.

20.____   I often react with rebelliousness or fear toward those who exercise authority or control in my life.

     ____   Total

If you scored 3 - 5, then you probably are struggling somewhat with codependency in your relationships.

If you scored 6 - 8, then you probably are struggling moderately with codependency in your relationships.

If you scored 9 or more, then codependency probably controls your life and relationships.

The term codependency was initially developed to describe a person in a relationship with an alcoholic who becomes addicted to his or her role in the alcoholic's addiction.  However, this definition is not complete, since codependent characteristics develop in a host of other dysfunctional and addicted relationships.

Codependency develops due to unresolved hurts, losses, or trauma's experienced especially in your past, but also in present day experiences of pain.  If codependency is strong in your life, it is imperative to seek help for overcoming these tendencies.  A great place to start might be to read the book, Love is a Choice, by Hemfelt, Minirth and Meier.  Also, seek the help of a good Christian counselor and/or support group.  

The problem with moderate to severe codependency is that it typically does not get better, but rather worse over time if intervention is not made.  And most disturbing, codependent and unhealthy relational patterns are modeled and passed down to our children and grandchildren.  Make a decision today to break the chain of dysfunction. 
 

* Inventory was developed based upon the research found in Love is a Choice by Hemfelt, Minirth and Meier.

6 Questions about Apologies

Addressing some questions a reader has posed to me regarding “7 Purposes of an Apology.”
1. When do we owe an apology?
We need to apologize whenever there is damage done to the other person either emotionally, relationally, spiritually, sexually, physically or monetarily.
We also need to give an apology whenever the other person perceives a hurt. In other words, it doesn’t matter that we didn’t intended to hurt the other person. If that person feels hurt by our attitude or actions, we need to apologize for how it came across or simply be sorry for how the other person feels, even if we cannot see the damage. In this situation you might want to say, “I’m sorry that you feel specific feeling because of my specific action or attitude.”
2. How do we word an apology?
You could say, “I’m sorry for specific action or attitude. Will you accept my apology?” or “I was wrong about specific action or attitude. Will you forgive me?” Either way, you need to make sure to be as specific as possible in order to demonstrate genuine remorse. You could also add, “What can I do to make it up to you?” Finally, it is of utmost importance not to use your apology as a springboard to blame the other person. Never, never, never say, “I’m sorry for ___________, but I wouldn’t have done it if you hadn’t ___________.” A healthy and appropriate apology is one that takes full responsibility and does not cast blame. If the other person needs to become aware about an offense that he committed against you, then discuss that with him at a later time, but only after much prayer and preparation.
3. How do we truly accept an apology?
It’s also important to receive the apology constructively. A person who makes himself vulnerable enough to admit his fault and accept responsibility deserves a full acknowledgement. It would not be helpful or right to resist accepting the apology with statements like, “Words are cheap.” On the other hand, minimizing the damage done with, “It’s no big deal,” or “It’s okay” is equally inappropriate. Simply say, “I accept your apology” and/or “I forgive you.” If you cannot forgive the person, then say, “I accept your apology, but I need to work on forgiving you. And I will let you know when I’m able to do that.” Then make sure to work towards forgiving the other person and don’t neglect to get back with him as soon as possible.
4. What if you don’t get an apology when you think you deserve one?
Let’s consider some simple examples:
• What if someone walks in on you when you are in the restroom?
• What if someone makes a joke that you feel goes too far?
• What if you don’t get proper or polite treatment from a cashier or customer service rep?
• What if someone agrees to do something for you, but then doesn’t?
• What if someone simply neglects a relationship with you?
All of these are examples of injustices and offenses that we deal with on a daily basis. The hard truth is that we cannot require or even expect others to treat us properly. How we’ve been treated may be completely wrong, but if the other person does not see his violation, we cannot demand an apology. If we have a relationship of any depth, then perhaps we need to consider how to discuss this offense with the other person. But if the situation is with someone we only have brief contact with, then we need to call upon God for comfort and self-control. Perhaps it can be an opportunity for us to evaluate just how kind, polite or appropriate “we” are in every interaction. As Christians our calling is to show love no matter what treatment we receive in return. Remember: “They will know us by our love” (John 13:35).
5. What if the other person accepts your apology, but acts as if they have not forgiven you?
This is another example of a time to pray and carefully prepare for a difficult conversation—addressing the incongruity you sense. But depending on the depth of the relationship, it might also be an example of surrendering the situation to God rather than trying to take matters into your own hands.
6. What if the person apologizing appears to be insincere or sarcastic?
If this occurs, it probably means that the apology is being offered too soon or that the apologizer is not emotionally mature enough to take on full responsibility in the matter. You might want to say to the apologizer, “I don’t feel like you’re ready to apologize at this time. Let’s talk about this later when we’ve both had a chance to calm down, think and pray through this problem.” There’s no need to rush or push for an apology. Prayer during this time of waiting is the best course of action and will soothe the hurt feelings that you may have about the insincere apology in the meantime. You might also have to come to terms with the fact that some people are never going to see the hurt they’ve caused the way that you do, and therefore may never take responsibility for it. Thankfully, we are not left in this world without hope (1 Peter 1:3). When we turn to God, He can comfort and heal our broken hearts better than any human apology ever can!

Let me know if you have further questions or comments about this post!

7 Purposes of An Apology

Just the other day my 16 year old son decided to play a joke on his younger 13 year old brother.  While his brother was in the bathroom he held the doorknob so that when his little brother wanted to come out, he couldn’t.  Funny joke, right?  Not if you’re the one being held hostage in a 4’ x 6’ room! 

Once my older son released his prisoner, my younger son was still not satisfied.  So my younger son attempted to address the issue with his brother who refused to acknowledge his dastardly deed!  After several frustrating attempts, my younger son turned to me, the “peacemaker,” to bring some closure.  I warned him, “Are you sure you want me to intervene?” (Because between brothers, turning to “Mom” for help can be a fate worse than death!)  But he threw caution to the wind and turned to me anyway.  So once I was able to get the older brother to confess, (which is pretty easy, because for some reason when I confront this particular son with a lie he’s told, he can never keep a straight face!) I asked him to apologize to his younger brother.  Unfortunately, my older and “should-have-known-better” son asked me a crazy question, “Now, what is the reason for apologizing?”  After I threw away the hairs that I had pulled out of my head, I calmly replied, “Because it’s important for you to admit your part and because it helps your brother to feel respected.”  With that he nodded and offered up the coveted apology.

I grew up in a family that didn’t offer up apologies very often or at all.  I am not blaming my parents, because they probably didn’t see it modeled in their own homes.  But the fact remains that I went into my own marriage feeling that somehow to offer an apology meant something was wrong with me—so why admit that?  I felt it made me vulnerable or set me up as a sitting duck!  Thankfully, God and my husband Gary helped me to realize that this belief was far from the truth.  As soon as I recognized the necessity and power of apologizing, I began to use it—sparingly at first (because, after all, humble pie tastes terrible to a newbie!).  Once I began to witness the amazing healing properties of an apology, I began to use it much more indiscriminately.  And to my surprise it got easier and easier, tasting better and better.  But most of all, I saw how powerfully medicinal it was not only to the offended, but also to my own heart!  So allow me to share seven purposes that I have found to be true in regard to apologies.

Purpose One – It Acknowledges the Hurt

FOR THE OFFENDED: It definitely helps him feel that his feelings matter to the offender. 

FOR THE OFFENDER:  It helps him to begin to understand the negative impact his actions have had on the other person, drastically decreasing the likelihood of reoffending in the same way.

Purpose Two – It Demonstrates that the Offender is Taking Responsibility

FOR THE OFFENDED: It helps him feel relieved of a burden that does not belong to him.

FOR THE OFFENDER: It helps him commit to better behavior in the future.

Purpose Three – It Shows that the Offender Knows What He Did was Wrong

FOR THE OFFENDED: It helps him feel validated and respected—helping him to reopen his heart to the relationship once again. 

FOR THE OFFENDER: It helps him to recognize the seriousness of his violation. 

Purpose Four – It Indicates that the Offense will be Avoided in the Future

FOR THE OFFENDED: It gives the necessary reassurance that the offense will not continue.  Without that reassurance, it is difficult, if not impossible, to move toward trusting the other person again. 

FOR THE OFFENDER: It brings into focus what needs to be avoided, which results in a greater likelihood of success in changing the offending behavior. 

Purpose Five – It Ignites the Healing Process

FOR THE OFFENDED: It helps him feel heard, valued, and respected.  It is not absolutely necessary to have these feelings in place for healing (since God can provide what is missing), but it does help to ignite and speed the healing process.  

FOR THE OFFENDER: Knowing that the offended has not rejected him helps him to be able to move toward healing more effectively as well.

Purpose Six – It Refocuses the Relationship on Respect

FOR THE OFFENDED: The benefit is obvious—we all need and want respect.  Respect needs to be a foundational element we build every relationship upon in our lives. 

FOR THE OFFENDER:  It helps him to find his way back to the right relationship path which is paved with mutual respect.

Purpose Seven – It Strengthens Trust

FOR THE OFFENDED: It is important to know that the offender sees his wrongdoing as just that, wrongdoing!  If there is no apology or admission of guilt, there is no assurance that the offense will not occur again.  No one, but a fool, can offer trust in that kind of environment. 

FOR THE OFFENDER: When the offended person opens himself up to reestablishing trust, the offender is given a second chance.  And everyone likes second chances!

God be with you as you venture into the healing waters of apology!